Grief; one of the most unpleasant, unwelcome emotions each all of us face at least a few times in our lives. It could be the loss of a loved one or the end of a long relationship. It could merely be something that did not turn out the way you expected it to. Regardless of the cause of this grief, studies have shown that interestingly, every person undergoes five important stages before they get over a particular hardship. Dr. Elizabeth Kubler- Ross revealed this theory in her book ‘On Death and Dying’, and it has been a popular theory since then. Of course, the duration of each stage and its intensity depends entirely on the case on hand and the person, but the stages experienced seem to be similar in all humans.
DENIAL ‘This can’t be happening to me’ ‘Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and it’s all just a dream’ ‘He can’t have left us so soon’ It is common for a person in the denial stage to experience such feelings. The first stage of grief is a complete denial of the situation. It is quite natural for the human mind to block out an overwhelming situation that causes too much grief. In fact, this emotional numbing is actually a defense mechanism in our minds to defeat the first wave of pain. Despite what anybody might tell us, despite signs and even proof of the said situation, we are unable to accept reality, and it is only when WE are ready, that we will proceed to the next stage.
ANGER It has nowstruck you that this event has really taken place. And what’s worse? It doesn’t seem fair. Anger is a phase where you tend to hate everyone and everything because of what you are undergoing. Life doesn’t seem fair, and to you, people just don’t seem to care. The train of thought in your mind is haywire, with questions like ‘Why me? Why now? What did I do to deserve this?’ whirring back and forth endlessly. The emotion creates a burning fire in your mind, ignited and fuelled by continuous thoughts of anger; anger at whoever hurt you, anger at the universe for taking a loved one away, anger at yourself for putting yourself in this situation; anger at anything that allows you to project this emotion at it! This anger seems to be ever present, and it seems like you will always be this angry, hateful person, who despises everyone and everything. However, there does come a day when this same emotion acts as a bridge and transition step for you to proceed to the next phase. It doesn’t last forever.
BARGAINING With this phase comes a strong desire to go back to how things used to be. ‘’If only we could go back in time and prevent this from ever happening’’, ‘’if only we could un-see something that we saw’’, ‘’if only we could have done something differently’’. If only, If only, If only. The ‘If Onlys’ and the ‘What Ifs’ take control at this stage, attacking you with thoughts of what could have been done, what could have stopped this. We tend to bargain, thinking ‘I’ll do this if I could just stop feeling this way’. At this stage, you would do anything, absolutely anything, to make the pain go away. You constantly come up with emotional bargains with yourself, most of which only make you feel worse! Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that. Getting over a barrier takes time. If Only we could just get over it already, right?
DEPRESSION This, in my opinion, is the most difficult stage in the process. You feel sadness. Complete, unalterable, unfading and extreme sadness. To you, it feels like the most intense sadness you have ever felt. You have now realized that this has happened,you have given up hope on rewinding the situation, and so, all the sadness that you’ve been bottling up and projecting in the forms of denial, anger and bargaining will flood your mind. He or she will never come back, your loved one is gone permanently, and you will not get a second chance at that opportunity you let go. The world goes on around you, and you feel confused, left out and alone, because you feel as if there’s no one else who feels the way you do, or understands your pain. You are overcome by a sense of hopelessness that things will never be the same again, that you will never be happy again. Certainly and fortunately, that’s not true. Towards the latter part of this phase, you notice a change. Each day, you think about it less. The number of hours spent sulking and brooding reduce daily, you smile more often and start to appreciate the good remaining in your life, and although there are sudden blows when it all comes back, you notice yourself getting better, and there is no feeling more welcome than that.
ACCEPTANCE This is the final phase in the process: the peak of the mountain, when you finally get to see the beautiful, breathtaking view that you hiked up forever to reach. To you, however, it’s more than just a phase. It’s a marking of your strength and your ability to overcome the most difficult ofthings. This is when you are finally able to make peace with what has happened. You think ‘Okay, its happened. Time to move on with my life, happiness is just ahead’. It takes a lot of courage to infuse this feeling into your mindset, but when you do, there’s no going back. Every motivational quote seems to be talking about your life, and you become more open and transparent to your family, friends and loved ones. You allow them to help you, and each day becomes easier to go through. Acceptance doesn’t occur suddenly. It is a gradual process. You might not even know that you have accepted something, but you do notice yourself being happier, more hopeful and looking forward to what’s ahead, and that’s the best part of this phase. Sometimes, it feels like this phase will never come around, but as the famous saying goes, ‘time solves everything’, and it is only a matter of time until it does come.
Grief is a horrible, yet inevitable emotion. A crucial thing to remember is that there is no timeline in your overcoming of grief. Dr. Kubler- Ross herself states that the phases are merely ‘tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling’ and not ‘stops on some linear timeline in grief’. What we need to understand is that no matter how difficult a situation may seem, it will always, ALWAYS get better. Nothing is too difficult, or too unbearable, because you are strong, and you can make it.
By : Parami Peiris
Editorial board – SSS 2018
